An endless stream of shoppers filled the sidewalks below as Mrs. Juliana Ivankov peered out her window. She sat alone as she watched them. Shopping bags in hand, they were the picture of Christmas Spirit; a spirit that abandoned her this holiday season.
Her brow wrinkled tightening her forehead as she breathed in deeply, trying to suppress the tears. On this day, December 1st, Juliana and her children officially became the unwilling occupants of a small apartment situated above a restaurant on the town square.
She knew that the noise below should be the least of her concerns and that she should feel thankful for a roof over her head.
Yet, she only felt a deep sense of remorse for failing her family.
The phone rang interrupting Juliana's trance. The caller i.d. read Camilla Fabriano. It was the second time her mother called this morning. The first time, Juliana was preparing her children, Bella and Zakhar, for school. She had a valid excuse for not answering the phone. This time, she could no longer avoid her mother.
Juliana picked up the phone sighing a "Hello."
"Have you given the landlord my check yet? You know you wouldn't have to borrow money if you and Anton would try to work things out. When your father and I were young, we had our fair share of problems and we always worked things out even if I compromised my own needs. You can always go back to Anton."
"Yes, Mom, I gave the landlord your check yesterday. He wouldn't give me the keys without receiving the first month's rent."
"Ya, ya, ya...Now what about you and Anton?"
"I don't really want to get into it, Mom. I tried to make things work with Anton so the kids could have their father with them. But, he couldn't give us what we needed. I just didn't want the kids growing up in that environment anymore."
"Well, you're a grown woman. Just know it is always best for children to have two parents. Zak and Bella deserve that."
"I have to go now, Mom. I have to get ready for an appointment." Juliana said making up an excuse to end the conversation.
"I hope it's for a job interview. You need to get a job, Juliana."
"I can't really say. I have to go. Bye."
Juliana abruptly hung up the phone. She cried in desperation. Her Mom did not understand her or her situation. By all appearances, her husband was a functioning alcoholic. Anton held a respectable job, showed up for work on time and kept a good attendance record. It was only after work, that he turned to drinking shifting him into an unpredictable mood. At times he would act silly and other times he would become aggravated and yell without provocation. She attempted in vain to convince Anton to seek counseling. He refused and would not attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings either.
For the longest time, Juliana reasoned that Anton was not hurting anything until she saw Bella cower in fear one day.
"I don't want to go in the car with Daddy."
"Why not?"
"Daddy always slams the brakes too hard. Last time he backed into a pole and hurt my neck."
Anton always insisted on driving Bella to her dance lessons while Juliana stayed at home with Zak.
Juliana knew his drinking affected his driving, but somewhere along the line she gave up trying to be the designated driver.
She didn't have the energy to argue anymore until now.
Juliana knew his drinking affected his driving, but somewhere along the line she gave up trying to be the designated driver.
She didn't have the energy to argue anymore until now.
Seeing Bella crying, Juliana found the courage to confront her husband. He began to shout at her and when she wouldn't relent, he hit her in the face. This was the first and the last time he would strike her.
After Anton left for work the next morning, Juliana reported the children absent from school. She discreetly packed some of their favorite stuffed animals and as much clothes as she could fit in a suitcase. There were so many things that they would leave behind. She didn't have time to explain the full story and nor would her seven year old daughter and four year old son understand. She only told the children they were taking a vacation from Daddy until he could get some help.
They needed to leave as fast as possible.
Juliana locked the door to the house as her close friend waited in the driveway. They drove to her friend's house where they contacted a local crisis center for victims of domestic abuse. Juliana felt awkward as she made the call. Anton had only hit her once. His words were not dangerous. She told herself she was not a victim of abuse and hung up the phone.
Her friend took the phone from her and plead with Juliana to at least talk with the people at the crisis center. Juliana could explain her situation to them and let them help her determine if she was abused.
Juliana made the call and moved into the shelter that night where they would remain for nearly two weeks. The children were unsettled, constantly asking questions and having troubles sleeping at night. The Thanksgiving holiday was not the same. Bella, Zak and Juliana had Thanksgiving dinner with the staff, volunteers and other abuse victims. This was hardly family and Juliana had a hard time accepting the situation.
Even though Juliana knew in her mind the decision was for the best, in her heart she constantly doubted leaving Anton. Right or wrong, she could put up with verbal abuse and maybe his striking her just once. She could not accept her children being hurt in a car accident because he was too stubborn and drunk to relinquish the car keys. This was not the for better or for worse Juliana envisioned when she married Anton.
The crisis center offered several temporary housing alternatives from free to low rent. Juliana wanted her children to be as comfortable as possible given the circumstances. She opted for working with the center to locate a low rent apartment even though Juliana did not have an income of her own. She had not worked since before Bella was born and it was hard for her to comprehend finding the means to pay rent in her present situation.
A counselor from the center assured Juliana that there was a way to make her situation work and helped her find an apartment in a neighboring town. The landlord had a vacancy and a generous heart offering reduced rent after some convincing by her counselor.
And so it was that Juliana moved into the small apartment above the restaurant. Her children were not happy with the changes. Her daughter cried as Juliana escorted her to meet a new teacher and classmates.
This had not been an easy day and Juliana's Mom only agitated matters by second guessing her decision and throwing the need to get a job in her face. Juliana knew she needed to find a job. She did not know where she would work, but she knew the shelter would help her find a position.
In one moment, she convinced herself that it was only a matter of time and things would get better. In the next moment, she was lost in despair thinking about her children spending Christmas without their father who did not and would not know where they were located.
Juliana thought of how to explain things at Christmas; about the logistics of why there would not be many presents under their tree this year. Would Bella and Zak believe that Santa was too busy and his elves couldn't make enough toys to give everyone a lot at Christmas.
Even if they believed this story, Juliana still was saddened because she was not one of the shoppers on the sidewalk below; shopping for her children. She was not making a shopping list and checking it twice. She had no money for gifts. What is Christmas without the spirit of giving? Juliana lamented.
The Season simply was not the same.
Juliana tried to take her mind off of things by busying herself spending most of the day organizing the apartment. Members of a local church stopped by to provide her with donations of groceries, used furniture, dishes and housewares. Juliana was not one to accept handouts and swallowed a bit of pride to accept their generosity. She was grateful to have their company, though, as they helped her arrange things. They made light conversation about their own children, the local theater's production of "A Christmas Carol" and the new grocery store.
Before long, most of the day passed. Juliana's new friends said goodbye promising to return in a week. Juliana suddenly noticed the time realizing she needed to pick Zak up from Head Start. He was a lot easier than Bella to get off to school this morning, but Juliana certainly did not want to be late on his first day of a new preschool. He might think she abandoned him.
She used her parent's car to pick Zak up and next moved on to Bella's school. Juliana anxiously waited in a long line of cars. She worried because Bella was a little older and was taking things harder than Zak. Bella finally got in the car and chatted up a storm about meeting her new teacher and her special buddy that gave her a tour of the school. The day went much better than expected.
Bella then mentioned a special project the class was working on for Christmas.
Bella would need to bring in an old sweater or a knit hat, sewing scissors, a darning needle, buttons and some green or red yarn by tomorrow.
Before Juliana could think she found herself reacting:
"Jesus Christ! You just started school there today."
"Why do they need all that krap by tomorrow?"
"How am I supposed to get all that?"
Bella started to cry. It was only then that Juliana realized she was taking her frustrations out on Bella. Her daughter did not deserve that kind of response. Juliana could not take back her words, but she was legitimately frustrated.
Normally, such a task would be easy. Right now, Juliana did not have miracle cash to go out and buy all this stuff before tomorrow. Nonetheless, she would find a way if it meant begging, borrowing or stealing. She would not break her daughter's heart.
Juliana thought of the church volunteers that stopped by earlier; one of whom lived nearby. Mrs. Elway lived alone and told Juliana to stop by with the children sometime. Little did Mrs. Elway know that sometime would be the same day.
Juliana swallowed a little bit more of her pride as she stood on Mrs. Elway's front porch waiting for her to answer the door.
Zak rang the doorbell several times so Mrs. Elway would be sure to answer if home. Juliana was nervous.
She never arrived at people's homes unannounced.
Juliana felt rude as Mrs. Elway answered the door inviting everyone inside.
Mrs. Elway gladly greeted them; never asking the reason for their visit. Mrs. Elway's home was perfectly decorated as if in a story book or a magazine. Zak would definitely need to be kept on a tight leash for fear of breaking something Juliana thought.
Mrs. Elway took their coats, excusing herself to the other room. She returned with puzzles and art supplies for the children. While the children busied themselves, Mrs. Elway motioned Juliana into the kitchen where she was preparing hot tea.
It was only when Mrs. Elway asked how the children were adjusting that Juliana lost her normal calm; sobbing, barely able to get the words out about Bella's school project.
Mrs. Elway gently put her hand on Juliana's shoulder; telling Juliana to take a deep breath.
"God is with you, my dear girl. He doesn't give us more than we can handle."
Juliana knew that Mrs. Elway meant well, but Juliana could not see how God had anything to do with any of this. How could God be watching over her and the children? Why would God allow this to happen to them?
Juliana cried some more only regaining her composure when Zak interrupted to ask Mrs. Elway for something to drink. Zak had a cute, sing songy tone to his voice that always melted Juliana's heart and she could see it had the same effect on Mrs. Elway.
Juliana finally returned to the subject at hand and asked Mrs. Elway if she could help with the project supplies for Bella. Mrs. Elway asked about the type of project Bella would be doing and Juliana felt embarrassed when she could not answer.
"Bella, what's the project about at school?"
"My teacher said it's a surprise. I can't tell you."
"Can you tell me?" Mrs. Elway chimed in.
Bella took Mrs. Elway by the hand, pulling her into the other room, excitedly whispering all the details.
With just a pinky promise and a smile, Mrs. Elway was now officially sworn to secrecy.
"I have the perfect sweater for your project. My daughter wore it when she was about your age. I've kept it all these years because this sweater was my favorite of her's, but I want you to have it now." Mrs. Elway said to Bella.
Mrs. Elway quickly ran upstairs to retrieve the sweater and pull the other supplies together.
Mrs. Elway saved the day and, for a moment, Juliana forgot about her troubles. She was grateful for her new found friend and sad as they said goodbye for the evening.
The next day, Bella did not resist going to school. She was bounding with energy in anticipation of beginning her project. Bella's zeal was contagious. Juliana smiled with a sense of relief dropping her off at school.
Juliana returned to her apartment. It was not easy planning Christmas without the fuel of hope that normally filled Juliana this time of year. She had so many other things to do now. She began to make phone calls to schedule meetings with a legal adviser and social worker recommended by the crisis center. Juliana did not look forward to the days ahead. She was afraid. She was alone without Anton. But somehow she knew she could handle life without him.
Christmas day soon arrived as Bella and Max awakened Juliana from her sleep. Juliana stretched, trying to delay going into the living room where barely any presents would be under their Christmas Tree. "Come on, Mom." Zak squealed.
"I heard Santa on the roof last night. He did come to our house after all." said Bella.
Juliana had set the kids up with low expectations for today. She told them over and over that this would not be like the Christmases of their past.
Now Juliana puzzled over her children:
How could their spirits remain so high after everything she told them?
Did Bella and Zak forget her warnings?
The crisis center offered several temporary housing alternatives from free to low rent. Juliana wanted her children to be as comfortable as possible given the circumstances. She opted for working with the center to locate a low rent apartment even though Juliana did not have an income of her own. She had not worked since before Bella was born and it was hard for her to comprehend finding the means to pay rent in her present situation.
A counselor from the center assured Juliana that there was a way to make her situation work and helped her find an apartment in a neighboring town. The landlord had a vacancy and a generous heart offering reduced rent after some convincing by her counselor.
And so it was that Juliana moved into the small apartment above the restaurant. Her children were not happy with the changes. Her daughter cried as Juliana escorted her to meet a new teacher and classmates.
This had not been an easy day and Juliana's Mom only agitated matters by second guessing her decision and throwing the need to get a job in her face. Juliana knew she needed to find a job. She did not know where she would work, but she knew the shelter would help her find a position.
In one moment, she convinced herself that it was only a matter of time and things would get better. In the next moment, she was lost in despair thinking about her children spending Christmas without their father who did not and would not know where they were located.
Juliana thought of how to explain things at Christmas; about the logistics of why there would not be many presents under their tree this year. Would Bella and Zak believe that Santa was too busy and his elves couldn't make enough toys to give everyone a lot at Christmas.
Even if they believed this story, Juliana still was saddened because she was not one of the shoppers on the sidewalk below; shopping for her children. She was not making a shopping list and checking it twice. She had no money for gifts. What is Christmas without the spirit of giving? Juliana lamented.
The Season simply was not the same.
Juliana tried to take her mind off of things by busying herself spending most of the day organizing the apartment. Members of a local church stopped by to provide her with donations of groceries, used furniture, dishes and housewares. Juliana was not one to accept handouts and swallowed a bit of pride to accept their generosity. She was grateful to have their company, though, as they helped her arrange things. They made light conversation about their own children, the local theater's production of "A Christmas Carol" and the new grocery store.
Before long, most of the day passed. Juliana's new friends said goodbye promising to return in a week. Juliana suddenly noticed the time realizing she needed to pick Zak up from Head Start. He was a lot easier than Bella to get off to school this morning, but Juliana certainly did not want to be late on his first day of a new preschool. He might think she abandoned him.
She used her parent's car to pick Zak up and next moved on to Bella's school. Juliana anxiously waited in a long line of cars. She worried because Bella was a little older and was taking things harder than Zak. Bella finally got in the car and chatted up a storm about meeting her new teacher and her special buddy that gave her a tour of the school. The day went much better than expected.
Bella then mentioned a special project the class was working on for Christmas.
Bella would need to bring in an old sweater or a knit hat, sewing scissors, a darning needle, buttons and some green or red yarn by tomorrow.
Before Juliana could think she found herself reacting:
"Jesus Christ! You just started school there today."
"Why do they need all that krap by tomorrow?"
"How am I supposed to get all that?"
Bella started to cry. It was only then that Juliana realized she was taking her frustrations out on Bella. Her daughter did not deserve that kind of response. Juliana could not take back her words, but she was legitimately frustrated.
Normally, such a task would be easy. Right now, Juliana did not have miracle cash to go out and buy all this stuff before tomorrow. Nonetheless, she would find a way if it meant begging, borrowing or stealing. She would not break her daughter's heart.
Juliana thought of the church volunteers that stopped by earlier; one of whom lived nearby. Mrs. Elway lived alone and told Juliana to stop by with the children sometime. Little did Mrs. Elway know that sometime would be the same day.
Juliana swallowed a little bit more of her pride as she stood on Mrs. Elway's front porch waiting for her to answer the door.
Zak rang the doorbell several times so Mrs. Elway would be sure to answer if home. Juliana was nervous.
She never arrived at people's homes unannounced.
Juliana felt rude as Mrs. Elway answered the door inviting everyone inside.
Mrs. Elway gladly greeted them; never asking the reason for their visit. Mrs. Elway's home was perfectly decorated as if in a story book or a magazine. Zak would definitely need to be kept on a tight leash for fear of breaking something Juliana thought.
Mrs. Elway took their coats, excusing herself to the other room. She returned with puzzles and art supplies for the children. While the children busied themselves, Mrs. Elway motioned Juliana into the kitchen where she was preparing hot tea.
It was only when Mrs. Elway asked how the children were adjusting that Juliana lost her normal calm; sobbing, barely able to get the words out about Bella's school project.
Mrs. Elway gently put her hand on Juliana's shoulder; telling Juliana to take a deep breath.
"God is with you, my dear girl. He doesn't give us more than we can handle."
Juliana knew that Mrs. Elway meant well, but Juliana could not see how God had anything to do with any of this. How could God be watching over her and the children? Why would God allow this to happen to them?
Juliana cried some more only regaining her composure when Zak interrupted to ask Mrs. Elway for something to drink. Zak had a cute, sing songy tone to his voice that always melted Juliana's heart and she could see it had the same effect on Mrs. Elway.
Juliana finally returned to the subject at hand and asked Mrs. Elway if she could help with the project supplies for Bella. Mrs. Elway asked about the type of project Bella would be doing and Juliana felt embarrassed when she could not answer.
"Bella, what's the project about at school?"
"My teacher said it's a surprise. I can't tell you."
"Can you tell me?" Mrs. Elway chimed in.
Bella took Mrs. Elway by the hand, pulling her into the other room, excitedly whispering all the details.
With just a pinky promise and a smile, Mrs. Elway was now officially sworn to secrecy.
"I have the perfect sweater for your project. My daughter wore it when she was about your age. I've kept it all these years because this sweater was my favorite of her's, but I want you to have it now." Mrs. Elway said to Bella.
Mrs. Elway quickly ran upstairs to retrieve the sweater and pull the other supplies together.
Mrs. Elway saved the day and, for a moment, Juliana forgot about her troubles. She was grateful for her new found friend and sad as they said goodbye for the evening.
The next day, Bella did not resist going to school. She was bounding with energy in anticipation of beginning her project. Bella's zeal was contagious. Juliana smiled with a sense of relief dropping her off at school.
Juliana returned to her apartment. It was not easy planning Christmas without the fuel of hope that normally filled Juliana this time of year. She had so many other things to do now. She began to make phone calls to schedule meetings with a legal adviser and social worker recommended by the crisis center. Juliana did not look forward to the days ahead. She was afraid. She was alone without Anton. But somehow she knew she could handle life without him.
Christmas day soon arrived as Bella and Max awakened Juliana from her sleep. Juliana stretched, trying to delay going into the living room where barely any presents would be under their Christmas Tree. "Come on, Mom." Zak squealed.
"I heard Santa on the roof last night. He did come to our house after all." said Bella.
Juliana had set the kids up with low expectations for today. She told them over and over that this would not be like the Christmases of their past.
Now Juliana puzzled over her children:
How could their spirits remain so high after everything she told them?
Did Bella and Zak forget her warnings?
They all gathered around the Christmas Tree and sat down on the floor. Much to Juliana's surprise, her children did not want to open their gifts.
"You go first, Mom. You are never going to guess what I got you." Bella said with a sly smile.
"No fair, Bella, I want to give Mom my gift first." Zak said grabbing his gift from under the tree; practically ripping the wrapping paper.
"O.K. Stop arguing you two. Santa wants you to be friends especially on Christmas. We can pick a number to see who goes first."
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. Who can guess what it is?"
"Nine..." "Five..." Bella and Zak blurted out simultaneously.
"It's your lucky day. Go ahead, Zak."
Zak handed Juliana his present. She smiled as she looked at the wrapping paper which Zak had scribbled on with red and green crayons. Inside were two popsicle sticks shaped into a cross; covered with silver and gold glitter. Zak painted the word "Mom" with a heart next to it. Juliana nearly cried. She did not even know Zak could write her name. His gift was precious.
"Mom...Mom...Mom...It's my turn...It's my turn. Come on." Bella said excitedly.
Bella's gift was inside of a brown paper bag she had decorated with stickers, glitter glue and markers.
Juliana held the bag up, turning it around, shaking and squeezing it.
"Hmmm...Let me guess. Is it an elephant?"
Bella giggled and loudly exclaimed "N-O! That's too big. Try again, Mom"
"Ummm...Is it a stuffed animal?"
"Buzz. You're out. No more guesses. You have to open it now."
"O.K. on the count of three...1...2...3...Here I go!"
Juliana reached inside the bag, lifting out a soft pillow. Bella had cut Mrs. Elway's daughter's old sweater into the shape of a heart and sewed it around the edges.
Tears filled Juliana's eyes as she read the inscription Bella sewed by hand:
"I Love You Mom That Is All"
Mrs. Elway was right. God was watching over them. Bella's Christmas Heart said it best:
Love was all they needed.
Mrs. Elway and Bella knew this one truth & now Juliana did too.
~The End~
They had each other. Nothing else mattered. Everything else would work out in time.
~The End~
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Post Note:
The above is a fictional account of an abusive relationship. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is a way out.
Contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for help.
You are not alone. There is support.
You deserve a better life and it begins with a phone call.
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